You would think after 20 some odd years of living under the self-imposed label "photographer", I would have more of an idea of what I do? Not necessarily the case. But, recently it is becoming clearer and more transparent, that you can cause yourself a lot of unnecessary stress by not defining and recognizing your personality. Your strengths and weaknesses change, so you change. But your personality tendencies really do not.
There are many photography and photographer roles in this world. You may gravitate to one because of opportunity. But if it doesn't work, you need to identify WHY it doesn't work.
For the longest time...I believed wholeheartedly that my skills were best used in portrait photography and business. "I can do this and do it well." Yet, there are certain things I always struggled with. Niching a market, sales, customer service, marketing, branding. Hmmmm all things that really do not relate TO my photography. They are things that relate to running a business. I always lived under the mantra...that my photography will sustain itself. If it is good enough, they will buy it and the rest will just take care of itself. I could not have been more wrong. Business...is business. Of course, these are learned skills. I think anyone can use these skills to better themselves in a photography business.
I soon found out that my personality, conflicted and hampered me from embracing these skills.
As a military wife, there were good things and bad things. A photography portrait business was something I could do as a stay at home wife, dedicated to my children and husband. I could pick up and move and start over. But to grow a business, you build clientele, reputation and it just is so much easier if you are in one place and can grow. Transplanting is really not a good way to grow into a successful business. This depends on your goals and dreams of what you wish to become. Success has many different levels.
A bad thing, was the constant starting over. I have moved four times in the last 10 years. Just when you build enough that you feel like you are getting competitive with the local market, you move. It is hard to take that level of your business to another place and start off where you left off. Many do it successfully. It wore me down.
I began as a newspaper photographer. I reflect back on why I originally got into it. I remember clearly the day in high school when I went after school to our newspaper advisor and asked to get on the newspaper staff as a writer. It just looked fun..and I was looking for something to do at school. He said: "We have all the writers we need...how about taking pictures?" Well, I had never considered that. I was into painting and drawing and had artistic talent...but it never occurred to me that photography was an "art" and "creative" form til much later. I said yes...sounds like fun.
My parents bought me a Canon AE1 film camera. No one knew the monster they were creating honestly. I fell in love with it. One of the first things I did that sucked me in....was walking down the street to the University of Northern Colorado campus to take pictures of the Denver Broncos training camp. We were in the height of "John Elway" hysteria and the media atmosphere around camp was very stimulating.
I got thrown into the photo editor position. I don't know how? There was no one else to do it.
The darkroom sucked me in farther. All of the sudden I noticed how photographing things turned into creating things in print. The printing became such a adrenaline rush. I spent hours and hours in the darkroom.
I realised I had a certain rush for sports photography. I don't know if I was really any good. There are so many things about sports I love anyway but it was addictive.
Most people just knew they wouldn't see me anywhere without my camera.
On to college and more newspaper work...picking up a couple stringer jobs with local newspapers. I won my first award for sports photography journalism while in college in Oklahoma for a black and white shot of a goalie missing a shot on goal.
I was hooked. My obsessive personality I learn later...is the rush...I loved the rush of seeing it in print. It was catching a defining moment.
Later, I needed a job to pay for my film habit. You look under the classified ads in the paper under photographer.....Studio Chain work was hiring.
I tried this. I ended up working with studio chain portrait studios off and on for 12 years. Just another way for me to get behind a camera.
When I married my husband and he joined the army and I became a mother, many of the things about photography changed. It was about taking pictures of my kids. Then it became other people asking me to take pictures of their kids. At some point you know...the light bulb is going to come on and you realize...this is a the perfect opportunity for a stay at home mom....and the income proposition begins to build. I can do this for money!!!
I should have stopped and evaluated..but young and needing money, I don't think you really think it through. My artistic temperament always made me feel bigger for my britches than I was. The ego is a damning thing.
As with anything, you learn on the job. I surrounded myself with on line forums and got involved with people that were doing what I was doing. The Internet and digital age was blossoming and I was right in the middle of it.
I am a good photographer. As the years go by, I watch many of my friends move up and on and become successful...as I move to a new location and keep trying to start over. I keep thinking "someday". Everyone believes that I will get there. I get help from people who love my work...but I keep struggling. I refused to embrace the business side. I understood it to some extent...but really believed that I didn't need those skills.
It has been ten years. I was determined to make a portrait business successful, but continued to struggle and couldn't get it pulled together.
I constantly heard, "If you are having problems with business...get someone to do it for you." And yes...I think this is vital to a portrait business. Those that are successful, find people to fill the holes. Well, I am not one to relinquish control and delegate. Darn right sided brain!
I kept trying. The economic demise beginning in 2007...began to really stress me out. I now have surrounded me with a majority of people I have grown up with for 10 years. They are all growing and I am not. I start to really look at what is wrong and why I am not getting anywhere.
I am known for lighting techniques and artistic creativity with my work. Photography-wise there is no problem. I have embraced the digital age and honed my photoshop skills.
Yet, I think it is hard to take anyone seriously who isn't "successful". I felt branded.
The harder I try the worse I made it for myself. I would try everything...trying to find my niche. I would do fine...I created beautiful images...but because I was so determined to make money I changed my logo, brand and website constantly to what I was doing at the time.
I would get discouraged and try something else. What was good? I now can do anything...but make money.
It became apparent in 2009 that business was sucking the photographer out of me. I got so I no longer wanted to pick up my camera. I wasn't a good business. I closed the beginning of 2010.
It just wasn't worth it anymore. I was left in the dust beating myself up.
After a while of totally avoiding the whole situation, because it was painful, I began to reflect on what had happened over the last 20 years.
I tried changing what I was...maybe I am an artist. Let's take photographer out of the equation.
I realized I only changed the equation from doing what I loved....to another thing I loved...but was still trying to attach "making money" to it.
Same results. Stress, disappointment and beating myself up.
Let's get back to how your personality defines what kind of photographer you are.
I love excitement.
I love doing new and different things..the challenge of being challenged.
I love to give away what I do. I could never MAKE myself make people pay for my work. If they didn't buy it, I would GIVE it to them! I hated sales. I wanted people to enjoy my work. In the business....they enjoyed it and loved it...but always honed in on my giving nature.
I love to get emotional response from my images.
I love working independently. Let me do what I do. Let me show you what I see. Take what you want but don't ask me to see it differently or do it differently just for you.
I don't feel I am an emotional being, but, I love to be inspired and moved.
You can see where my conflicts were with being a business model.
What was it that kick started me? The Haiti disaster of Jan 2010. I was spent on fulfilling the business side of me. I watched how technology and the immediacy of telling the story has become so vital to our society. I also saw...how there were people who could tell the story with images and how there were other people who told the story with images. Kind of like a portrait business...there are good ones and bad ones.
It occurred to me...that I would be good at covering and documenting a disaster.
I was moved to find out how I could get to Haiti. Well you don't just GET to go to Haiti. You just can't offer to go and take pictures. There is a structure in place. You still have your top dogs and you have your every day joe.
What can you do? Well, I had to rein myself in. Remember there is a process and starting points to grow from. There are things to learn.
I realized that I had skills that SOMEone could use. I have no doubts about my photography. That is me...I have done everything!
But this was a me thing...I felt strongly about...compassion for telling the human element story. Still defining moments. Images that tell the story...move people to donate and help. I could help tell a story to move people to action. Wow...there was a new concept to me. Suddenly I realized how it fit my personality more than being a business.
Give. I could actually give of myself and not feel badly because I personally didn't get something in return.
I joined my local chapter of the American Red Cross. I can help locally tell the story of the American Red Cross mission in my community. Whether it be taking portraits of volunteers for newsletters or documenting them doing what they do...and in action. I take making money away from photography and I get on a fast moving train. What do I get in return? An opportunity to feel fulfilled, like what I am doing actually makes a difference to someone. That I am involved in something that is bigger than myself. My skills are suddenly something I can still use.
It is fluid and always different. I can be creative with all of the skills I have learned.
I understand marketing and branding and how important it is to get a constant/consistent image out.
I feel suddenly as I have come full circle and am remembering the joys of journalism. The expectations are different. The feedback is instant and rewarding and you can move on to the next thing.
A caution....tho....to myself more than anyone else...is to remain compassionate and giving and not about me. This is about a cause so much bigger than myself. I understand it. I understand the values and message. There is a lot of time involved and there are certain things that will bring new dynamics to my family. We will now have a two-parent household that deploys.
It isn't something I could have done earlier in my life....being a dedicated stay at home mom.
You can't just leave toddlers and small children to up and leave.
My kids are all older and able to be self sufficient. They are developing lives of their own. I feel that this is a good time to transition to life without caring with children. My husband feels as strongly as I do about relief work and disaster aid. He has skills that he will be a wonderful asset in helping others in these situations.
Maybe...things are moving so effortlessly because I have now recognized that photography has many different traits. Many different ways to be used. It isn't all about business.
I was trying to stick my square peg in a circular hole. Yes, it is a peg...and yes it is a hole. But maybe my peg doesn't fit in this hole...but it does fit in one somewhere...and you have to find the one you fit in.
I looked at me. My strengths and weaknesses. I looked at who I am...and found I can help and still be a photographer. I can be giving and compassionate. I can do something for my community and STILL be an awesome photographer.
I feel optimistic and better about myself now, more so than I ever have.
As I now get in the DSHR system of the American Red Cross and continue my training to better help the organization, I will get to do the true test of getting deployed to a national disaster where I can truly let my skills be useful.
I no longer feel like I am a disappointment to my "photographer" label.
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